A plague o’ thy house

Email scammers.  How they suck.  The stray pup who came to us three weeks ago is ready to be rehomed and I posted a notice about him.  And within twelve hours was inundated with almost an equal number of scam emails.  You know the one, where they “accidentally” send you too much money, suggest you deposit the check and just write them a check for the overage, keeping a bit extra for your trouble.  And then, surprise of surprises, turns out their check’s no good and you’re out the cash.

Now I realize this scam only works if someone is foolish and greedy enough to fall for it.  What?  You mean you can’t get something for nothing?  Drag.

From despair.com

From despair.com

Still, it infuriates me that they are out there.  It’s even more infuriating that they can’t spell or punctuate.  Here’s a sampling from my inbox:

Hello
Am interested in adopt your pet which i saw on the internet and i would like to know the conditions of the pet , and probably arrange for payment to get to you asap and also arrange for the pick up  once payment is confirmed by you. ( I BASED IN DALLAS TEXAS WITH MY FAMILY ) Please acknowledge the offer and i will have the funds remitted to you as soon as possible, and i’ll like this transaction to be kept in outmost trust, Kindly reply back to me with your last asking price ? also a picture of the pet, I promise the pet a lovely home. Thanks and God Bless….. ……….
Regards

Yes…  About that God Bless at the end.  I know vengeance is His, but do you think He’d mind terribly much if I totally cursed these people?  I know, I know, you’re not supposed to curse people because “what you do comes back to you three-fold.”  But does it count if I curse them with the very best intentions?

“For each word you misspell, spend a minute in hell.
For punctuation you ignore, two minutes more.”

My favorite curse is “May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.”  It’s so evocative and visceral.  Really quite lovely and utterly appropriate for the vermin in my email.

Perhaps we could go with something a little more AIG executive-inspired: “May your sperm count resemble your employees’ 401K dollars and your penis follow the direction of the Dow Jones.”

There is, of course, the ever-popular Elizabethan curse generator where now you can be cursed hourly via a RSS feed. We could update for the email scam age: “A pox on thy ‘puter.”  Or maybe, “I delete thy name for all time.”

If you have any good curses, please do post them here.  They might not actually end the scamming, but they might make me fume less.

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