Apocalypse wow!

Crossposted from Silk & Shadows

Currently working on: Countdown to DARKNESS UNDONE!
Mood: 5… 4… 3…

Last week, I had a couple get-togethers, both of which ended up in apocalyptic predictions where I had to bite my tongue lest I end the friendships long before the end of the world.  Look, I appreciate a good apocalypse as much as the next paranormal romance reader, but I demand some common sense with my doomsdays.

Lately (and I blame you, Mayans) I’ve been running into more… I think I’ll call it porncalypse. Or maybe apocaporn. No, wait… Aporncalypse. Yes, that will do.

Not-Webster’s Made-Up Dictionary:
a•porn•ca•lypse   /əˈpôrnkəˌlips/ n. Gleeful wanking to end-of-the-world scenarios characterized by manufactured breathlessness and a complete lack of attention to anything resembling reality. Not to mention a really, uh, spectacular end.

There are so many ways we could actually be fated for extinction, it seems unnecessary to court conspiracy theories. (Although I love any theory where I say “Where’s your proof?” and the other person says “There’s no proof because of the CONSPIRACY!”) So I’m going to offer these reasonable replacements for my tin-hat friends.

1. Geomagnetic reversal is for wimps. Get those tectonic plates moving with a supervolcanos!

After one friend managed to conflate the natural and proven (and geologically slooooow) drift of the Earth’s magnetic field with an overnight relocation of the north and south poles — caused by a mysterious approaching planet, resulting in the planet being torn in two — and after I stopped beating my head against the table where my cream puff resided — I suggested that she lose sleep over supervolcanoes instead. Hulu is showing the Nature channel’s Naked Science program Supervolcano now, for free. Supervolcano shows the same CG’d multi-stage explosion over and over and over again. Lingering on graphics of megadestruction is the heart (or maybe another centrally located organ) of aporncalypse.

2. UFO droppings on Oregon beaches.

I was sort of excited about this one because it was relatively close to home. (In the same way that the above-mentioned supervolcano will be close to home when Yellowstone explodes into my Portland backyard.) “Mysterious” metal boxes — seamless and immovable — were showing up on Oregon beaches this winter. Which, like every Christmas present ever, totally got my imagination churning. Except… They have apparently already disappeared. Damn you, mysterious boxes! We needed more time to work up a foamy froth of conspiracy. Fine then, we will just have to settle for new discoveries about the (maybe) faster-than-light neutrinos and the Boson Higgs “God particle.”

3. Zombies!… Okay, this one the doomsayers can keep.

Last year, scientists found multiple species of a Brazilian fungus that invades ant brains and turns the insects into walking zombies. Presumably the shambling kind — not the super speedy kind, because, really, how fast can an ant go? — but still.

Yeah, there’s no way to not freak out about this. I check back on the story every so often to see how it’s progressing. I’m thinking this will be a lot like the killer bees, slowly drifting northward with rising global temperatures. (And yes, I realize that the killer bees don’t really seem to be so killer as they were expected to be/bee, BUT THAT’S BEECAUSE THE TRUTH IS BEEING COVERED UP!)

What I noticed recently is how closely zombie ants resemble another conspiracy theory favorite:

Yes… Who would’ve thought the jackalope was the first harbinger of aporncalypse.

 

 

 

Do you have a favorite conspiracy theory or doomsday scenario? Leave a comment any time this week at Silk & Shadows (comments have been disabled on this post) and you’ll be entered for a chance to win a signed copy of Jessica Andersen’s DEMON KEEPERS, a novel of the Final Prophecy.

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